Jon and I had a miscarriage on Christmas day 2012. I was in Orlando, FL with Clara while Jon was back in Arizona working. I remember feeling so sad and lonely because usually Jon is with me holding my hand and letting me know everything is going to be alright. I called my mother-in law to come with me to the hospital because I decided to have a D&C. I had been bleeding for weeks and I could no longer stand it. I remember coming out of anesthesia and calling out for Jon. I wanted so bad to be held by him. I was grateful to have had his mother there while my mom took care of Clara. Jon came to get me, he was my knight in shining armor. Our little family flew back home together and I allowed the healing to begin.
I remember the first moment I knew I was pregnant again. I was in Utah visiting my brother while Jon was attending a conference in a different state. I didn't want to be home alone so I decided to drive 8+ hours with Clara for a little adventure. My friends son had contracted a nasty illness so that left me searching for a place to stay. My brother's incredibly kind girlfriend offered her sister's basement room for Clara and I. I hadn't met her before but they insisted it would be alright. I couldn't believe their generosity! We ended up staying there for the duration of our Utah trip and Clara and I had a wonderful time with Sonia, her sister and her family. On one of our many fun adventures that Sonia took us to I felt a twitch in my lower abdomen. I smiled because that right there told me I was pregnant! I waited and waited until Jon and I were reunited to confirm the pregnancy. Sure enough those glorious pink lines appeared.
I immediately called the OB office to schedule an appointment and confirm the pregnancy. My pregnancy was confirmed and I was over the moon! Unfortunately things took a bit of a sad turn. I began cramping on one side and i immediately started to freak out. I called my OB doctor and he said to come in the next day to do an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't having an ectopic pregnancy. Jon accompanied me and he held my hand as the doctor revealed the sac but no baby and no heartbeat. I was around six weeks along. The doctor then wanted me to get some blood drawn to check my hormones levels and that would tell us if I had miscarriage or if it was too soon to see a heartbeat on the monitor.
I took Clara to playgroup in Gallup and we were having a good time until my cell phone rang. It was the doctor calling to tell me I had miscarried. He said my hormones levels were way high meaning there should have been a heartbeat. Since there was no heartbeat and my body was producing the pregnancy hormones that meant I had lost the baby. I just remember him saying, we should have seen a heartbeat. But we didn't. He then proceeded to tell me that he would write me a prescription for a pill that will help my body abort the baby. I then became a puddle of tears. I drove home and was so angry with life. I cursed and cursed and swore I would never get pregnant again. Why bother, I yelled to Jon. I can't handle the pain anymore. I began to clean like a crazy women. It was therapeutic for me. Then Jon went to his computer and was there for an hour. He told me that sometimes it takes time for a baby's heartbeat to show up on an ultrasound. He wanted me to wait to take the pill in the hopes that the baby was still alive. He didn't want to get my hopes up but what he did was make me stop my crazy yelling to feel the Spirit.
I went to sleep with a prayer in my heart. I asked God to forgive me for my outbursts and to comfort me at this time. I felt peace and went to sleep. The next day I called the OB and asked him if he would please schedule me for another ultrasound. He told me the chances of seeing anything on the monitor were slime because we had not seen anything the day before. I told him to please do this for me. He said fine and I came in the next day. I didn't want Jon to come with me because I like to first mourn alone. He was like, are you sure? And I said yes. I remember sitting in the waiting room and feeling my heart was going to explode. So I wrote a letter to my baby. It was very therapeutic for me. I went in to get my vitals and the nurse was so chippy. She asked me why I was here and I told her to see if my baby was alive. She had a thick southern accent and said, why dear your child is fine. Just wait and see, everything is going to be just fine. I couldn't believe she told me that. Here I was mourning and feeling uncomfortable because the OB told me there was NO WAY that we would hear a heartbeat but since I want closure he will perform this ultrasound.
I hope to always remember the most glorious sound in the universe. My baby's heartbeat. There it was loud and clear. The nurse held my hand so tight as tears came flowing freely from my face. She whispered, see doctor, I told you there would be a heartbeat today. God bless this women's faith. The doctor ripped apart the prescription he had ready for the pill.
I thank God that both my husband and I felt the Spirit and followed His promptings before taking a pill that could have taken my Violet away. My due date was December 25, 2013. Exactly one year after my miscarriage. God is in the details of our lives!
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