Good Times

I celebrated my 27th birthday in Orlando surrounded by my whole family.  I absolutely loved every minute of it and I miss them already.  I was also fortunate enough to attend the LDS Temple to witness my little sister Stephanie make covenants with our Heavenly Father. We are so proud of her!  She will be serving a church mission for the next 18 months.  When did my little sister grow up so fast!  Family is my heart and soul.  I respect them and adore each and every one of them.

 Hello 27!

 Best birthday ever celebrated with my sweet family! 

 Candles scared her!

 Abuela Alba y Clara Lucia

 My not so little sister Stephanie with baby Clara

 47 & 21 never looked so good!

Clara LOVED getting a ton of attention, there was always someone there to hold her!

Sacrifice

Since Clara's birth I have been fortunate enough not to have suffered postpartum depression (PPD).  It does run in my family and I was worried I would get it.  In fact I was waiting for it to rear its ugly head.  I'm almost 3 months in and so far no sign of PPD.  I think I was so determined not to get PPD that I naturally surrounded myself with friends and family.  I am normally a homebody and I thought I wouldn't leave my house once the baby came...but the moment she was born I was itching to leave my house with the baby and show her around town.  It was so much fun taking her out and being surrounded by all the sights and sounds.  It was as if I was being healed by my beautiful surroundings.  This totally surprised me!

But, (there is always a but, huh!) as I have said in the past, I have PCOS.  In order to manage my PCOS I take birth control.  Obviously it's not to prevent a pregnancy but to correct my hormonal imbalance.  Now I have the pleasure of nursing Clara.  It has not been an easy road.  Lots and lots of pain and tears.  But I have never given up and for the past 11 weeks I have been nursing my growing baby.  Lately I have been feeling the hormonal imbalance.  While I was busy worrying about PPD, my raging hormonal imbalance came as a thief in the night.  I started yelling at Jon more often, my acne returned, I stopped losing my pregnancy weight (all PCOS related symptoms).

I believe that breast milk is the absolutely best food you can provide your baby, and the bonding experience is invaluable. Not to say formula is not good -- Clara takes a bottle of formula 3-4 times a week, but breast milk is formulated specifically for her.  If I go back on birth control I'll need to stop breastfeeding.  There is a birth control pill that is safer for breastfeeding and less likely to reduce milk supply but it doesn't have estrogenic effects and may not be effective for controlling my PCOS.

I feel real sad right now, my mind is clouded and I feel hopeless.  Now don't get me wrong, baby Clara makes me so incredibly happy and I have so much fun with her.  I just have surges of anger and bad feelings that I wish would go away.  I can't seem to filter myself and end up feeling so bad about things I have said.  Guilt is overpowering my conscience right now and I hate it.  I want to be free of it, and that's what's making me unhappy.  I want to feel like a good person again.

So if you see me and I don't seem myself, please know that it's not you, it's me.  I don't know what I will do.  Should I breastfeed my baby for a year at the cost of my weight, face, and horrible anger/guilt surges?  Should I use this as an opportunity to rely heavily on the power of the atonement to balance me out a little better?  I can't say I haven't tried before.  My best efforts at self-improvement never achieved the same results as taking the pill.

And so now you know what's occupying my thoughts.

Clara Can...

Read books on her own:

Feed herself:

Now what am I going to do with all my free time?  Oh wait, she still can't change her own diaper and boy can she go through 10+ diapers a day!!

0-2 Months

My baby is 2 months old!  Wahoo!  That makes me so happy!  It means I can indeed raise a lil' baby and be utterly happy.  I am so smily right now :)

Here are some fun facts about little Miss Clara:

She LOVES drinking milk and will take it in any form without discriminating.  She will take it in powder form, liquid form, and boob form. She will take it from a bottle, my breast, or even a cup! (we had to do this a few times as a suggestion from our lactation consultant). As long as it's food she will consume it and love you for feeding her.

She's a talker yes she is!  She spends hours gurgling and cooing and makes the absolute cutest noises I have ever heard!  I wish you could hear her!

She loves focusing on your face.  She will stare at you without breaking concentration. And when you look into her big brown eyes you feel like saving the world and being a better person.  It warms my heart to see those big brown eyes staring back at me.

She LOVES to kick. She spends hours kicking high, kicking low. When I place a blanket on her she will kick it off of her within minutes.

She has given us the puppy face! Ahh!  It breaks my heart but it's also the cutest face ever!!

She sneezes a lot :(  Poor girl, I'm really hoping she doesn't have Jon's allergies but instead my awesome immune system.

Her hair keeps growing and we love it!

She likes water- yay!  She does well with bath time but only if the bathroom is nice and warm.

She hates wet diapers.  The second she feels wet she cries and cries (and kicks and kicks) until you get up to change her.  We do this over 10 times a day!!!

She loves noise!  We went to a wedding recently and it was loud- super loud, and little miss missy slept throughout the whole reception.  I play music for her at home which makes her happy :)

3 Things

I was fortunate enough to receive some awesome goodies for Clara.  I wanted to share 3 things we received that stood out:

This is by far Jon's favorite gift that we have received.  It's a 'Clara' puzzle stool.  It's so beautiful and clever :)  It was given to us by Jon's childhood friend from Chicago. 

This cute pillow is so darling!  I squeeze it tight every night cause it's so precious :)  I love it! 

 This amazing blanket was sewed by my sweet friend Natalie S.  She is an incredible seamstress.  I was in complete shock by how awesome this quilt looks. You need to see it in person!  It took her over 20 hours- what a labor of love!  Clara is so lucky!!!