But, (there is always a but, huh!) as I have said in the past, I have PCOS. In order to manage my PCOS I take birth control. Obviously it's not to prevent a pregnancy but to correct my hormonal imbalance. Now I have the pleasure of nursing Clara. It has not been an easy road. Lots and lots of pain and tears. But I have never given up and for the past 11 weeks I have been nursing my growing baby. Lately I have been feeling the hormonal imbalance. While I was busy worrying about PPD, my raging hormonal imbalance came as a thief in the night. I started yelling at Jon more often, my acne returned, I stopped losing my pregnancy weight (all PCOS related symptoms).
I believe that breast milk is the absolutely best food you can provide your baby, and the bonding experience is invaluable. Not to say formula is not good -- Clara takes a bottle of formula 3-4 times a week, but breast milk is formulated specifically for her. If I go back on birth control I'll need to stop breastfeeding. There is a birth control pill that is safer for breastfeeding and less likely to reduce milk supply but it doesn't have estrogenic effects and may not be effective for controlling my PCOS.
I feel real sad right now, my mind is clouded and I feel hopeless. Now don't get me wrong, baby Clara makes me so incredibly happy and I have so much fun with her. I just have surges of anger and bad feelings that I wish would go away. I can't seem to filter myself and end up feeling so bad about things I have said. Guilt is overpowering my conscience right now and I hate it. I want to be free of it, and that's what's making me unhappy. I want to feel like a good person again.
So if you see me and I don't seem myself, please know that it's not you, it's me. I don't know what I will do. Should I breastfeed my baby for a year at the cost of my weight, face, and horrible anger/guilt surges? Should I use this as an opportunity to rely heavily on the power of the atonement to balance me out a little better? I can't say I haven't tried before. My best efforts at self-improvement never achieved the same results as taking the pill.
And so now you know what's occupying my thoughts.
3 comments:
Dearest Claudia! I hope you feel better- and whatever your choice is it will be the best for you and darling Clara. Just fyi: I formula fed as I had to be on birth control for similar reasons- and Max has been 100% healthy. For me, I needed to be my best (which required formula) and me feeling good and being happy was what was best for Max. Everyone is different and you will know in your gut what to do-and I believe the Lord will reassure you and protect your little one regardless of what you choose. You are a beautiful mother. Wish I could hold your little sweetie!
Claudia, I've been meaning to comment on this, as you know I've been through a similar dilemma. :) I feel lucky that I was able to breastfeed Grace for a while before I felt like I needed to go back on medication, but I know each person is so different. One of the perks of motherhood is that you can be inspired as to what is right and good for you and your baby. And in the end, I'm sure whatever you decide will be just fine. Take care of yourself, Momma!
Coming from someone who can't breastfeed her babies (for different reasons of course) remember that you have given her the best of the best, which you can only give her at the beginning, and you can still feed her skin to skin. That is what we did with our babies. We made sure we just fed them skin to skin and the bonding is still there.
You need to make sure you are as healthy as you can be in order to be the best mom you can be.
P.s. Clara looks so big now! She is adorable!!!
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